Thursday, December 17, 2015

COMING BACK TO LIFE




As this year of 2015 draws nearer to its close, I measure the days and the months and now the years since I was last on Facebook, in touch with so many who I regard as my friends from all around the world. 
How fortunate was I that I was able to travel overseas and get the life saving treatment I needed; I had sufficient to pay for the very expensive treatment, but not enough to pay for the travel there and back and it was my friends who made that happen.



The journeys both there and back were frightening and difficult.
I did not have the money to provide for Medical flights, so travelled on ordinary schedules, many of the flights on very small aircraft and passing through no less than 8 different airports and 6 different countries, some of them very basic indeed.  I fell several times, not being able to see properly and by now very wobbly and in urgent need of the surgery to remove the tumor next to my brain.  On the whole, people were kind, but I still had to  join the line for entry and exit visas, still had to try and  see what and where I was going in the glaring airport lights, still had to deal with the delays, and the underlying panic of being all alone, ill and far from anything familiar. I have  travelled extensively in the world, and enjoyed it all, but this was very much a nightmare.  Constant, blinding

pain didn’t help.

I returned home in a very weak state over a year ago, but that was not the end of my struggles by any means.  Complications arising from the treatment meant more surgery, but thankfully that could be done without going overseas, although the cost was immense and meant that I sold almost everything I owned to get through the whole process.  And of course it is not over yet, because after-effects linger, weakness prevails and many difficulties remain.

To a large extent, being a solitary person with NO family, living in a very remote spot and without a phone or even the funds to support a connection, have made this struggle much harder.  Being alone as I always have been, means that you are very self reliant but there is a limit to what you can deal with when you cannot see or are too weak to even make a meal for yourself or even able to stand up properly.  And when you live miles from the nearest store and can’t drive.  It’s hard and aid of any description
with day to day living is difficult to obtain and in any case very distant from me.  I have only praise for the Hospital where I have been a constant visitor/inpatient over the past year.

But I am as I said, very fortunate for many reasons:

One is that I have such amazing friends who I won’t name here
in detail as the list is very long and also they prefer that I don’t do that;

Two is that I am a very determined and relentless person in my optimistic view on life, despite all, and even when enforced to lay in the darkness, motionless for days
on end, still I could see the light in my mind’s eye.

Three is that I have the gift of music; it is my treasure, my refuge and my constant
companion and throughout all that has happened to me, I have continued to write
and create new music and new poetry, in my head, or when I could see even a little, scribbled on
tiny bits of paper. It never leaves me.

Only in the last couple of months have I started to be able to see anything properly at all  but Facebook with its bright white page is far too painful for me as yet.  In addition, I sold most of my equipment, along with my father’s collection of vintage vinyl records ( I had already sold his accordion and  my piano  a long way back), the last of my mother’s china and my means of making analog recordings of my music or being able to make my living
doing all those things musically or online which had been my
way of life.  I even sold my bed to try and keep going.

But still I count myself as fortunate.
I give thanks for every single day of my life, though I cannot as yet venture outside into the sunlight for that is too painful also.  But things  get better all the time and I’m alive, which so easily could not have been the case.

I was born with a rare genetic condition afflicting my eyesight and struggled a great deal as a child but was brought up to understand that I should overcome or at least try; and that mantra stays with me.  This condition is incurable, so all that has happened to me  more recently, although disconnected from that, is made much worse by the delicate state of my eyesight to start with, plus other associated problems. Even my hearing was affected at one crucial point and it is thanks to the expertise of surgeons and the help of one dear friend in particular that this came back to me. I don’t want to talk about my health problems because there are so many people with much worse than I and I prefer to concentrate on what I can do, not what I cannot do. There have been so many other struggles: having my identity
stolen the first time I went overseas for the first surgery that no
one knew about; coming home to find my bank account gone, my car gone and the very foundations of my life destroyed. It has taken time to get all of that back thanks to amazing efforts of friends during times I was incapable of dealing with it.


So for now, I need to get back to creating music, creating poetry, and , I hope, get back to recording and rebuilding my studio,
mentoring young people in music and  trying to help in the fight against child abuse and trafficking. I have to rebuild my life somehow and manage to reaquire the means I need to do all that.  
Thanks to amazingly good friends, my  radio shows have
continued throughout all my struggles, and being able to promote other musicians is a wonderful thing to me; we are all one after all.

Thank you if you read this far!!  My friends will be posting this briefly on my FB page, but I really cannot be there as yet, and at this stage have no idea if and when I will return there, so if you would like to keep up with my progress,  please go and find this musicpage which is managed for me.   God blesses me and I ask that He blesses you all; I have thought of so many of you over the months of isolation and given thanks.

My music lives on almost of its own accord, keeping me at the Number one spot on Reverbnation for the 7th year and taking me to Number on in two charts on Number One Music.  You can find my released albums and some singles on CD Baby and also on Bandcamp where I have the song 'Friends Are Angels Too' dedicated to the angels in my life.

 


 I have nothing else to give.







I would particularly like to put my arms around some people: Jill Towers, Haych Storm, Audrey and Mike, Bert Gagnon, Gene Smith and the very special Cookie.